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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25992859">Who knows what will happen if I'm alone with my grief</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiredshimakei/pseuds/tiredshimakei'>tiredshimakei</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 02:35:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,639</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25992859</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiredshimakei/pseuds/tiredshimakei</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Pylades: I’ll take care of you.<br/>Orestes: It’s rotten work.<br/>Pylades: Not to me. Not if it’s you.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>70</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Who knows what will happen if I'm alone with my grief</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i didn't proofread or beta bc living on the edge u know?</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>It was common knowledge that Kenma was reserved and quiet most of the time. He was reliably calm and level headed even after everything goes to shit. He didn’t really like to show a lot of his feelings, preferring privacy. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>However, there was one person that always managed to bring out the side of him he had always hid. Hinata Shoyou. The little orange burst made a little nest in his heart with all of his ambition and excitement for life, his solar flare grin and his adoration of Kenma and his quirks. Hinata managed to pull out feelings and expressions the smaller boy never dared to show anyone else, not even Kuro. It was a new level of emotional intimacy for him and it was a bit unnerving at times.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>The one thing he had kept hidden from Hinata were his depressive episodes. They felt like too much of a burden to weigh Shoyou down with, and he didn’t want to worry him unnecessarily. They had become much more manageable now, after medication and therapy and being around Shoyou, but they still threw him off balance every once in a while. He already felt undeserving of Shoyou, so adding this to the mix would surely result in Hinata leaving him and he wasn’t sure he could handle that.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Kenma started the day feeling sluggish and like his skin was sliding off his body. His head was a bit achey and Hinata wasn’t in the bed. Kenma felt a weird pang in his chest, upset and irritated that Hinata wasn’t there and that he left him alone, even though he knew Hinata was probably out practicing. The heavy fog in his mind was convincing him that Hinata couldn’t stand to be around him anymore and needed a break. Well everyone needs a break every once in a while, Kenma tried to reason but to no avail, the fog in his mind only weighed him down more. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>He had just finished a long live stream of him playing a new video game. It was obvious he wasn’t really into it and not as quick as he usually was. His fans picked up on his more sour and slow paced attitude and were flooding his comment section. Kenma set his headphones and mic aside and tucked his knees into his chest, tugging the sweatshirt he was wearing over his legs. It was Hinata’s team sweatshirt and it was a bit oversized on him since he was shorter and significantly less muscular than his boyfriend. The streamer mindlessly flipped through the chat log, reading people’s comments. Generally they were neutral or positive in nature, commenting about the game itself. A few made Kenma wince: people commenting on Kenma’s boring demeanor, a few people noting his appearance in a negative fashion, some probing into his personal life. A particular discussion about his relationship with Hinata hit him particularly hard. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>A viewer of the stream started a conversation over Hinata and his relationship with Atsumu and if Kenma even deserved to be with someone like Hinata. Kozume felt sick to his stomach and completely drained and he laid his forehead against his knees. The longer haired boy was never one to get jealous, having complete trust in Shoyou and finding jealousy a waste of time. Yet the points about him being undeserving  of Hinata made his gut twist in worry and his insecurities rise to the forefront of his mind. Constantly in the back of his mind, were thoughts that he was dragging Hinata down, draining him with his quiet introverted demeanor. Hinata deserved to be with someone who could take care of him more, who was fun and loud and as outgoing as he was.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Hinata still wasn’t home and Kenma chewed on his lip in worry. He considered texting him but got overwhelmed at the thought and was scared of a possible rejection so he curled up on the floor. For no particular reason he felt tears burning at the backs of his eyes but he still couldn’t cry. The frustration of not being able to cry and the heavy depressive fog holding him to the ground made his chest tight and hot. His mind was swimming with exhaustion, his eyes burned and his skin felt dry, his hands sore from playing video games for hours. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In his mind he went over all the other people Hinata was close with who would be a better match. He was so close to Atsumu and they would make sense together. Could he even blame Shoyou for falling for the taller male? He was outgoing and stronger than Kenma, he could definitely protect Hinata and scare off any other bold boys. Tsukishima, Ushijima, Oikawa... all of them would make much better boyfriends.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Kozume laid on the floor for a long time, feeling hot and cold and on the verge of tears. The cold hardwood floor was breaking apart and swallowing him whole. He didn’t hear Hinata come home or call for him, or the door to their room opening and his boyfriend kneeling down beside him on the floor. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What are you doing down here?” Shoyou asked and rested the back of his head on Kenma’s forehead, “Do you not feel well?” Concern and worry were laced in his normally balmy voice.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Kenma slowly glanced up, feeling relieved that his boyfriend was finally home, but sickly with his bitter insecurities. He shrugged his shoulders and sighed softly before pushing himself up. Hinata’s skin was a golden warm tan, freckles scattered all over the bridge of his nose, his cheekbones and shoulders. He looked like the sun and all the other stars in the sky chose to take residence on his skin. Kenma looked down at himself, fair skinned and frail, long tangled hair turning brassy from being uncared for. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Hinata frowned and glided his thumb along Kenma’s cheek bone.The boy leaned into his touch and closed his eyes, feeling another urge to cry but still unable to. Kenma wanted to voice his worries and concerns, knowing Hinata would put his mind at ease and clear away the fog in his mind but his throat was thick and the words wouldn’t form. He couldn’t do that to Shoyou, burdening him with all his worries. It would be selfish. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I missed you.” He mumbled quietly, turning his head to place a soft kiss on the inside of Shoyou’s wrist. The skin was soft and thin there, particularly sensitive and vulnerable and he glanced up to see the slight flush on his boyfriend's cheeks. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Aw baby! How did the stream go?” Hinata asked excitedly, standing up excitedly. Kenma noted that he didn’t return his sentiment about missing him and his mind clouded over again. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Fine.” He said and crawled up into bed and curled into the covers. He didn’t want to talk anymore so he tugged the covers over his head. He didn’t want to see Hinata’s face and be reminded of how undeserving he was of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The bed dipped with the weight of Hinata, who moved to sit on the edge beside him. The orange haired boy gently tugged the comforter down so Kozume’s face poked out, framed by his halo of long dyed hair. Kenma squinted as if he was looking directly into the sun, feeling sad and pouty and empty all at once. If Hinata didn’t miss him, maybe Kenma was too clingy? Maybe Hinata was losing his feelings? Perhaps he has grown tired of Kozume?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look pretty terrible.” Hinata commented, picking up a strand of his hair and twirling it around his finger.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenma made a sour face and snapped the covers back over his head. So now Shoyou thinks he is ugly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had let himself go a little bit the last few days, his depression making it difficult just to sit up in the morning. He hadn’t showered in a few days or been outdoors. He was sure he looked greasy and sickly from being cooped up for hours over the computer consuming nothing but cup ramen and red bull. But Hinata didn’t need to </span>
  <em>
    <span>say it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Noooo!” Hinata laughed, “Don’t hide from me again! Let me see that mean little face.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Leave me alone” Kenma pouted, voice muffled by the comforter. His chest burned, feeling overwhelmed and ugly now. How long has he looked terrible? Was he driving Hinata away? His boyfriend probably didn’t even want to touch him, much less look at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hinata tugged the comforter down again and then just scooped up a sad little Kenma in his arms. Kenma couldn’t muster the strength to fight back or argue anymore, he just hid his face in the space between his boyfriend’s neck and shoulder. Shoyou radiated warmth that permeated Kenma’s cold small figure. He gripped onto him tightly, and all of the sudden the tears came. He wasn’t sure exactly what triggered the sudden crying, perhaps his smell of early morning sunshine and heavy ripened strawberries, the feeling of being cradled against someone you love so intensely, maybe it was nothing at all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hinata didn’t speak, just held him closer while Kozume cried softly into his shoulder and gently set him down on the bathroom floor. Kenma reluctantly let go of his partner, hiding his face with his hands and bringing his knees to his chest protectively.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The bathtub started spraying water and Kenma glanced up to watch Hinata feel it to check the temperature.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“C’mon baby let’s get you out of these old clothes.” Hinata spoke softly and started gently tugging Kenma’s three day old shirt and sweatpants off. He tossed them into the hamper and helped Kenma get into the bathtub.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is it too hot?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenma looked down at the water, where he sat bunched up and shook his head. It was perfect actually. Kozume preferred it on the hotter side even though he knew it was terrible for his skin and would give him wrinkles. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenma rarely cried, disliking the vulnerability and he is glad Hinata didn’t point it out or make a big deal out of it. He probably would’ve felt embarrassed and nervous, especially since Hinata has probably seen him cry like two other times. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He felt shy being naked in front of Hinata like this, but Shoyou didn’t seem to mind and started grabbing shampoo and conditioner. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tilt your head back for me.” He instructed a cup with warm bath water in hand. Hinata cupped his hand against Kenma’s forehead so water didn’t get into his eyes and poured the water onto his hair. Once his hair was plenty wet, Hinata lathered a gentle smelling shampoo into his roots, working his fingers into the strands. Kenma sighed softly as his fingers massaged his scalp and he melted into his boyfriend’s touch. He felt himself gradually unwind with Hinata’s ministrations. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tilt your head again.” Hinata poured warm water on his hair again, rinsing away the shampoo before lathering coconut conditioner into the ends. The silence gave Kenma time to think and organize his thoughts. If Hinata didn’t care for him he wouldn’t take care of him like this. Shoyou knew when to talk and when to let Kenma think, he knew exactly what to say and do to make Kozume feel warm and alive again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Am I hard to love?” Kozume murmured, as Shoyou ran fingers through his hair to work out the tangles and knots. After a quiet moment of Hinata rinsing out the conditioner he gently tilted Kenma’s chin up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hard to love? What do you mean?” His partner’s brow was creased and a slight frown mangled his normally tranquil expression.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenma tilted his face away, feeling ashamed and pulled his knees to his chest. His chest ached so severely and his lip wobbled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nevermind. Don’t worry about it Shoyou.” He didn’t want to be challenging and burdensome for him. To Kenma, Hinata was a get-away, he was cool air off the ocean on a hot day, he was sugary sweet lemonade kisses and rosy sun kissed cheeks. Kenma felt like the heat wave you got stuck in on the interstate, sapping all your energy and turning the asphalt into lava. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kozume...You are anything but hard to love. Loving you is like… gut instinct!” Hinata cupped Kenma’s cheeks and forced him to look, “It’s like my fast move with Kageyama! I just trust myself and my gut tells me that it’s always you.” Shoyou smiled and moved to press their foreheads together. Kenma moved and pushed his face away with his hand and turned away, feeling the fog chilling his bones and freezing the bathwater.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If it’s so easy with Kageyama then why aren’t you with him?” Kenma couldn’t stop his voice from cracking, feeling overwhelmed. He stared down at his hands, where he was picking at them under the bathwater</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well I don’t love Tobio.” Hinata stated simply, like it was obvious. “I only have ever loved you Kozume. It’s just you.” Hinata reached into the water and pulled Kozume’s hands apart, interlacing his fingers with his own. With wide eyes, Kenma looked up at Hinata. His voice was so earnest, it was hard to refute or feel any doubt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Only me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Only you.” Shoyou confirmed. Kenma’s eyes filled with tears again and he reached his arms out for his partner. Hinata grabbed a fluffy towel and lifted him out of the tub and wrapped him all nice in the towel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m sorry for letting you feel this way. I adore you so much, I could never look at anyone the way I look at you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenma nuzzled closer against Shoyou, feeling warm and soft at being pampered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hinata carried him back to the bedroom and wrapped him up in a bathrobe and tied it nice and cute with a bow. He had managed to get Kenma’s hair all tucked away in a towel balanced precariously on his head before grabbing a bottle of nail polish. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I got you a new color!” Hinata grinned cheekily. It was a pale pink bottle of polish, with a very faint shimmer. It was rather pretty and Kenma’s old blue polish was already chipping away. Kozume looked down at his toes and wiggled them while Hinata started cleaning them with polish remover. He wrinkled his nose at the smell but watched lovingly at the look of concentration on Shoyou’s face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hinata very carefully painted each one of Kozume’s toes. Kenma didn’t realize he was absently carding through Shoyou’s orange waves, his eyelids growing heavy and his chest feeling lighter. The fog in his mind had cleared almost completely and he just basked in the radiant glow of his boyfriend's presence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s a pretty color.” Kenma commented finally, a blush forming across the bridge of his nose. He felt cleaner and lighter now after being pampered like this and much closer to Hinata. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shoyou kissed the prominent bone of his ankle before sitting up and wrapping his arms around the others waist. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“almost as pretty as you!” A cheeky bright grin spread across his face as he peppered Kenma’s face in little kisses. Kenma felt a warmth bubble in his chest and he cupped his boyfriends rosy cheeks and pressed their foreheads together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for being here.” He spoke softly but with meaning. He wanted Shoyou to understand how much he cared for him and appreciated his kindness. He knew sometimes things could be hard, and he felt like a chore to be with. He just had to trust Shoyou like Shoyou trusted himself and Kozume. It felt nice to be wanted this much. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His limbs regained warmth, and his chest felt full of summer sun and sticky sweet kisses. He felt undeserving of someone as wonderful as Shoyou sometimes, but he felt love and loved nonetheless. </span>
</p><p>
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